Looking Upwards!

If anyone has a reason to be joyless and miserable, I would consider myself a worthy candidate. The past few years have been difficult:  bitter divorce after 13 years of marriage, the death of my parents and losing my 16 year old son in a sudden and tragic manner.  With each loss I was slipping away. Sliding into a dark hole that grew in my soul. I thought the only relief for me was to end my own life. No more suffering.  Each second seemed to be filled with disappointment that was choking the life out of me anyway. Being the control-freak that I am,  I made a list. A  list of reasons to die, the best way to go about it and what the aftermath would resemble.  

That stupid list didn't have one good, sound reason on it. Not one. Yes, I was devastated but I was also surrounded with so much encouragement and love. I watched my daughters and all of the strength their young lives held. My friends and family banded together and each time I thought was the opportune moment to waste away, they were there interceding without even knowing.  Most of all I thought about the love I shared from my parents and my son.  Those bonds go far beyond any earthly reasoning or human logic. As quickly as making the decision to quit was, the determination to not only remain but thrive, was greater.

Identifying the external strength is easy, finding it within is more of a challenge. Trying to be happy is a lot of work. In 2010, I adopted several exercises that I use to assist in my goal for living a life of bliss. The greatest, my relationship with my Creator. It has never been stronger and is the only source I seek.  Our one on one conversations and revelations sustain me. While I support therapy and medical intervention if necessary, for me counsel with the Divine works well. If I need more, I will certainly access these tools as well. No one should ever suffer in silence the way I did. Developing daily habits to increase the positive noise in my head have been invaluable. I do not leave my bed and begin my day without prayer, meditation and some self loving talk. I begin each day with one or more mantras that speak to my soul. My top three:
  • I am beautiful
  • I am living in abundance
  • I have all I need

Did I believe it the first time I said it? No. Do I believe it every day? Absolutely not. But I say them and on those days when even I'm not a believer, I ask the Creator to help reveal the proof that I need.  And it never fails. I always find evidence that I am indeed internally and externally beautiful, living in abundance of love and have everything I need to obtain whatever I desire.

My losses are many. There will be many more. The steps we take each day are never promised, never expected. Sometimes we stumble; other times we soar. The way we choose to respond to each of these life occurrences is up to us. I choose to be happy, come what may.  That means abandoning my expectations and replacing them with divine intentions. It means being surrounded by positive, loving and supportive people, activities and energy.   It calls for the end of defeatist attitudes and negative self-talk.

Being happy doesn't mean bad things will never happen or having a permanent smile plastered on one's face.  Here I stand, in the midst of the greatest heartache one could ever imagine; my soul is bare and exposed and longing for an end to this suffering. Yet I declare today and everyday to not only be happy and hopeful, but share that with the world. Complete happiness may seem unobtainable.    I challenge you to open yourself to the possibility that everything that you need to be happy is already within you.    Happiness is not designed for a chosen few. It is in all of us, if we allow it be.

Life moves. Life does not stop. Life changes on a whim and throws you curve balls. Your goal is not to stop life from happening, but to remain calm and centered as the seeming chaos happens around you. As you calm your mind and cultivate trust you turn from a victim of circumstances into a powerful creator of your life.
-Jackson Kiddard
looking towards my source

Yolanda ♥